Sunday, March 30, 2008
th day came when u finally have to leave for ur exams, coursework, everythingl. i felt crippled, as if ive lost an arm (no arm cant play.). th wings i once felt i owned felt clipped. u left me to fend for myyself, to learn independence. something i tot i'll nvr have to face/ a skill i nvr needed rto master. but then.. it wasnt reality .. was it? guess i was at my lala land then.
i remember since sec1, i was sitting beside u. always beside. it made me rely on u so much u noe? just by sitting beside u in sec1&2, made me grow a special bond with u, increased my reliance of u. i needed u to be beside me in practices. and thhen sec3 came.. this year, i felt as if u have been 'snatched' away. i o longer sit beside u. due to th stupid 'senior junior senior' formation, i cant. ZZZ. and it was so irritating u noe?
it made me dislike tt junior at first. TSK. cos im too used to sitting beside u, hearing n trying my best to follow how u play.
i feel terrible inside u noe. when i was sitting beside u. u were looking sad too. n i seriously cant think of anything to sday to u to 'break ice' as if we needed it. but fine. i sent a msg to u n suddenly, u burst out saying siao arh, zhe yang jing hai msg. but it was really hard u noe? to convey exactly how i feel, the endless thoughts tt run through my mind as i sit beside u. there'll be nobody beside me now. though i quarrel with u most(i should say), due to failing ur expectations n stuff lidat, u were still th closest to me in th section. i lovved u most in th section. i cant bear, to see u leaving, yet not leaving. the irony behind it. the sadness u must have felt too. it was hard. really hard. n then, if u realised, i kept my head down most of th time, as tears were flowing down silently. i couldnt bring myself to look up, into ur eyes, n say goodbye so happily. i felt devastated. the last time i'll be sitting beside u. (when u come back u better sit beside me arh!)
As the journey wears on n u tell me bout the section, this n tt, wat to take note of, i once again, felt th tears welling in my eyes., it's really difficult. i have to take th responsibility of leading n guiding th section. though so many have promised to be by me n help it was still tough. really awful. i cant imagine the next practice where im officially announced as the 'SL' of the section, i think i'll feel helpless. the parts tt my section ppl need to play. how im gg to allocate, as there will need to be a change in certain parts.. the trouble n confusion within the section with a leader like me will be clear. i am really afraid. i feel like running away from band. however, i noe i wont. cos i cant bring myself to disappoint ruiyang. i wont. i'll try my best. wont i? but then, ruiyang! i really feel like screaming at u.. for making me feel such emptiness and greatstress.. even the endless msges of 'dun need stress, u can do it one, i have faith in u' doesnt help.
endless streams of emotions to express n let mrSL noe. but im just tt bad at language..
defenceless. once again. left alone, to climb up and walk. i need to conquere all odds n lead my section, through th dark tunnel i feel im in now. we, will definitely see the bright light at th end of the tunnel. wont we? working as a section, im sure we can do it.
