Sunday, March 30, 2008
th day came when u finally have to leave for ur exams, coursework, everythingl. i felt crippled, as if ive lost an arm (no arm cant play.). th wings i once felt i owned felt clipped. u left me to fend for myyself, to learn independence. something i tot i'll nvr have to face/ a skill i nvr needed rto master. but then.. it wasnt reality .. was it? guess i was at my lala land then.
i remember since sec1, i was sitting beside u. always beside. it made me rely on u so much u noe? just by sitting beside u in sec1&2, made me grow a special bond with u, increased my reliance of u. i needed u to be beside me in practices. and thhen sec3 came.. this year, i felt as if u have been 'snatched' away. i o longer sit beside u. due to th stupid 'senior junior senior' formation, i cant. ZZZ. and it was so irritating u noe?
it made me dislike tt junior at first. TSK. cos im too used to sitting beside u, hearing n trying my best to follow how u play.
i feel terrible inside u noe. when i was sitting beside u. u were looking sad too. n i seriously cant think of anything to sday to u to 'break ice' as if we needed it. but fine. i sent a msg to u n suddenly, u burst out saying siao arh, zhe yang jing hai msg. but it was really hard u noe? to convey exactly how i feel, the endless thoughts tt run through my mind as i sit beside u. there'll be nobody beside me now. though i quarrel with u most(i should say), due to failing ur expectations n stuff lidat, u were still th closest to me in th section. i lovved u most in th section. i cant bear, to see u leaving, yet not leaving. the irony behind it. the sadness u must have felt too. it was hard. really hard. n then, if u realised, i kept my head down most of th time, as tears were flowing down silently. i couldnt bring myself to look up, into ur eyes, n say goodbye so happily. i felt devastated. the last time i'll be sitting beside u. (when u come back u better sit beside me arh!)
As the journey wears on n u tell me bout the section, this n tt, wat to take note of, i once again, felt th tears welling in my eyes., it's really difficult. i have to take th responsibility of leading n guiding th section. though so many have promised to be by me n help it was still tough. really awful. i cant imagine the next practice where im officially announced as the 'SL' of the section, i think i'll feel helpless. the parts tt my section ppl need to play. how im gg to allocate, as there will need to be a change in certain parts.. the trouble n confusion within the section with a leader like me will be clear. i am really afraid. i feel like running away from band. however, i noe i wont. cos i cant bring myself to disappoint ruiyang. i wont. i'll try my best. wont i? but then, ruiyang! i really feel like screaming at u.. for making me feel such emptiness and greatstress.. even the endless msges of 'dun need stress, u can do it one, i have faith in u' doesnt help.
endless streams of emotions to express n let mrSL noe. but im just tt bad at language..
defenceless. once again. left alone, to climb up and walk. i need to conquere all odds n lead my section, through th dark tunnel i feel im in now. we, will definitely see the bright light at th end of the tunnel. wont we? working as a section, im sure we can do it.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
i noe u are helping, trying ur best, but cant u see im trying too? cant u see im struggling real hard? i noe u noe. but pls. i need to feel it. the tot alone is not enough.
u said u think i hate u. u said i did not treat u like how i treat my friends. how then do u want me to treat u?
u are banning me from this n that. im really tired. but i still dun want to give up, at least, not yet.
things tt i seek after.. results are shit. cant bring myself to face them.
think im really running away from th prob..
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
TIRED! n im tired of saying im tired..
zzzzzzzzzz. i have so many thing to tok about. and i dunno where n how to start.. nvm..
toking face to face is so much better.. u can see the person's facial expression n induce wat they thhink.
i think im suffering from bipolar disorder. tt's wat the doc said too. crazy me.
medication-ed.
i did badly for CT. still trying to accept my grades as it is.
failing all my own expectations. everything is below class average. WTH.
still got to thank god for the two As, thou... ya.
