Tuesday, February 12, 2008
-speechless-
i seriously dunno wat to answer u.
u tell me to control. HOW? u think i dun want to? u think i find pleasure in hurting myself time and again? im helpless. i seriously cant control myself at times. i noe i shouldnt do all this things and all those things. but yet, i did it. be it out of spite or wat, i dunno. im unable to control the burning emotion within. i feel like exploding. i feel out of of my mind.
take this morning for example. i've finish all my stuff at arnd 12 plus 1 and after much negotiation with myself, i decided to turn in for the night. i told myself to get up at 4.30 latest to revise for the test today. ok. i start waking and sleeping from 4.00-4.55 am. b/w this short span of time, i dreamed a lot of things. at 4.55, i decided to wake up. shut the alarm for good and lay at my bed and said my morning prayer. god noes wat happen, i feel asleep. here, is where the trouble began.
i woke finally at 5.15 realising tt im late, i started to get very worked up. i slapped and hit myself like crazy. i gave the back of my palm a little slit. fully awake. but this is just the starting. i felt the anger rise up inside. im not angry at anyone else. just at myself. my mom siad i started shouting at myself and shaking uncontrollably. then i started hiting the faces on my bedsheet cover, saying they are fake and stuff. i lost control and started crying, cowering in my bed.
i dunno wat to say. i feel angry at myself. i hate myself. if im just a bit better, a bit more perfect, maybe things wont be so bad. maybe there'll be less quarrels and more peace. im not angry at the others out there. just myself. so du keep saying i hate u. i dun.
even if i do dislike u, i oso dislike myself for tt. i hate myself for no being able to show love, to accept everything as it is. i hate myself for feeling jealous over the slightest thing, for being so suspicious.
I HATE MYSELF.
sometimes i really wonder. if i die now, would anyone even bother to go down to my funeral or even feel sad becos im not around anymore.
(this is not to any of my family members. however, it applies to a lot of the others who told me the same thing.)
u tell me u care. tt u love me, u will be there for me. but onli now did i realise how true it is. u cant be there every single time i needed help. late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. would u be there? u wont? but i dun blame u. i hate myself for my selfishness, for wanting attention from u. i hate myself for the thought of wanting to domineer part of ur life; wanting u to always be there.
im really tired. there's no one for me to tok to. it's too superficial. sometimes, even a HUG is hard to get. how i wish i can bring myself to cry infront of u, every single week, to let u comfort me and hold my hand and walk with me step by step.
however, ive got to learn how to bottle things up. i cant possibly be running to u with every single thing tt im facing and expect immediate comfort. u need ur rest. u have times where u need comfort too. ur own probs, ur troubles. i must learn. to hold things within and act as if im perfectly alright. i must learn.
WE LIVE IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLD.
