th IMPERFECT girl that is STRUGGLING so hard to meet th EXPECTATIONS of this CRUEL WORLD with nothing but a PAPERHEART on her that is TORN and WEATHERED by HARSH CIRCUMSTANCES.

IWILLOVEUU~

`Alvin .
`Angela .
`Benson .
`Boonsiong .
`Brenda .
`Cheryl .
`Claudia .
`Charissa .
`Chingyee .
`Cindy.
`Clara .
`Dawn .
`Darren .
`Doris .
`Doris(c) .
`Edmund .
`Edmund .
`Freida .
`Gabbie .
`Germaine .
`Guinevere .
`Heanghee .
`Huanghao .
`Hweehien .
`Huini .
`Iris .
`Jermine .
`Jiahe .
`Jolinne .
`Junboon .
`Katherine .
`KokKeong .
`Kokleong .
`Kpoqueens .
`Leecheng .
`Lianxin .
`Meiling .
`Natalie .
`Peiying .
`Rouyi .
`Ruiyang .
`Sawyi .
`Sebastian .
`Sheryl .
`Siying .
`Tammie .
`Tiffany .
`Trina .
`Trombonesect .
`Vannie .
`Vennesa .
`Weijie .
`Weikiat .
`Weilin .
`Xinmin
`Xinting
`Xunyan .
`Yifan .
`Yiliang .
`Yongming .
`Yongxiang .

June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 August 2008 October 2008

images: lyraisme
designer: lyraisme
resources: I II

crap. i hate this keyboard. it's fraking lousy., maaking my so frustrated. so.. sorry for the spelling n typo errors. cos changing on tis keyboard maake me irritated. cant post a long post.

i hate it. wat nonsence is this? eveerything is dilapilated. i feel as if im living in a freak pg sty or somesort beggar house, with almost nothing available/accesible. crp. nothing in place for my life. sometimes, i really wonder why god put me in this particular world, this particular nation & in this particular home.

i want to shout my comments, frustrations n everything out loud. but where is my audience/? thh crowd seems to dissappear n vanish. which is like_____. arghz. wat m i toking about.

the point of no return. wil i reach out for it?

this is really pointless. i HATE it. wat t hell is wrong with me? wat is the essence in m tt makes u hate me? wat in the world did i do? im trying so hard to be of tt standard. but y cant i?? i fall even deeper and tis makes me more shhort-fused!!!

fuck. i hate my damn it life, tis damn it keyboard, my damn it family...(the lis nnever ends.)
however, above all, i hate MYSELF for hating the endless things.

finding my place n stand in life. things seem to be diminishing...

i hope youth(games) l8r wiill cheer me uup. but it seems hard, judging from the fact tt i'll be left out/alone. bible study following the youth. maybe i can seek somfort in God's word.

-speechless-

i seriously dunno wat to answer u.

u tell me to control. HOW? u think i dun want to? u think i find pleasure in hurting myself time and again? im helpless. i seriously cant control myself at times. i noe i shouldnt do all this things and all those things. but yet, i did it. be it out of spite or wat, i dunno. im unable to control the burning emotion within. i feel like exploding. i feel out of of my mind.

take this morning for example. i've finish all my stuff at arnd 12 plus 1 and after much negotiation with myself, i decided to turn in for the night. i told myself to get up at 4.30 latest to revise for the test today. ok. i start waking and sleeping from 4.00-4.55 am. b/w this short span of time, i dreamed a lot of things. at 4.55, i decided to wake up. shut the alarm for good and lay at my bed and said my morning prayer. god noes wat happen, i feel asleep. here, is where the trouble began.

i woke finally at 5.15 realising tt im late, i started to get very worked up. i slapped and hit myself like crazy. i gave the back of my palm a little slit. fully awake. but this is just the starting. i felt the anger rise up inside. im not angry at anyone else. just at myself. my mom siad i started shouting at myself and shaking uncontrollably. then i started hiting the faces on my bedsheet cover, saying they are fake and stuff. i lost control and started crying, cowering in my bed.

i dunno wat to say. i feel angry at myself. i hate myself. if im just a bit better, a bit more perfect, maybe things wont be so bad. maybe there'll be less quarrels and more peace. im not angry at the others out there. just myself. so du keep saying i hate u. i dun.

even if i do dislike u, i oso dislike myself for tt. i hate myself for no being able to show love, to accept everything as it is. i hate myself for feeling jealous over the slightest thing, for being so suspicious.

I HATE MYSELF.

sometimes i really wonder. if i die now, would anyone even bother to go down to my funeral or even feel sad becos im not around anymore.

(this is not to any of my family members. however, it applies to a lot of the others who told me the same thing.)

u tell me u care. tt u love me, u will be there for me. but onli now did i realise how true it is. u cant be there every single time i needed help. late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. would u be there? u wont? but i dun blame u. i hate myself for my selfishness, for wanting attention from u. i hate myself for the thought of wanting to domineer part of ur life; wanting u to always be there.

im really tired. there's no one for me to tok to. it's too superficial. sometimes, even a HUG is hard to get. how i wish i can bring myself to cry infront of u, every single week, to let u comfort me and hold my hand and walk with me step by step.

however, ive got to learn how to bottle things up. i cant possibly be running to u with every single thing tt im facing and expect immediate comfort. u need ur rest. u have times where u need comfort too. ur own probs, ur troubles. i must learn. to hold things within and act as if im perfectly alright. i must learn.

WE LIVE IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLD.

You Are 68% Emo

While you may not be completely emo, you have a sensitive, deep, troubled soul.

think the high-lighted one is 100% true. the rest a bit.. What Natalie Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. (SIAOfiao. onli with guys in sch can?)You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

think the high-lighted one is 100% true. the rest a bit..