Saturday, December 8, 2007
EVEYTHING WAS CARVED, WITH BLOOD DRIPPING, IN A PLACE CALLED HEART.
i dont noe if u care...
im constantly asking myself and the LORD- "WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??" i feel like cutting queue, purposely ending it, to be there faster than expected..
did i not try. but do i dare now? thinking of the consequences. though im nvr present for those events, i experienced the heart wrenching pain n shock of the ppl around. i dun think i can bear to.
&PLS MOM, i wasnt thinking of jumping down the balcony when i climbed. it's only second floor. im not so stupid to get myself paralysed. it's worse than dying okay? and the home windows.. im just sitting there..
dun worry. i wont end my life the way i want it. i will let god end it. unless it is too unbearable. although.. my means of venting maybe torturous to u.
& fyi, i do care for u. rmb tt time at vietnam?when the police were outside and almost raided the place? we had to leave in groups n somehow, i got seperated frm u. my grp was the first one to reach. not one soul i knew was there. i needed the comfort. how i wish i wasnt the one waiting. waited n waited. all the grps returned. except urs. urs returned 1/2 hour later after the 2nd last grp returned. did u noe how worried n scared i was? at tt foreign land? i didnt experience this before n obviously, i didnt ne the consequences. how would i noe? wat happens if u get caught or meets with an accident? i cant bear. there were alr 2 deaths. i managed to numb one n the other came along.. i was so afraid n worried tt i cried. did u noe? i doubt so. when u were back, u didnt seem to think i'll be worried. or maybe u were still upset bout grandpa.. but did u noe how i felt? the words u told me were to painful to recall. i dont wish to recall.
& yet u say i do not care for u.
i do not noe how to show. but it's not my fault. no one taught me how to. ppl say it's natural to noe how to. but i guess tt's not the case for me.
& maybe ya. im not matured enuff. u said ive changed a lot. of cos. ive been changing, to keep up with the image u expected me to have. but do unoe the more i try, the more i fail. im nvr spoilt for choices. it isnt tt simple. u said u dun regard grades. but deep down within, i noe u do. which parent wont? ? A 10th in level isn’t sufficient for myself. Needless to say, u..
u always compare me to him and the others around me. they are like oh-so-perfect in ur eyes. luckily u didnt noe wat i did. or i think, i'll be trampled under ur feet. wont i? u n dad. ever apared a tot for me? everything's a yes. even blogging's a no to u. wat's this. i think, the more i live with ur expectations, the harder my life gets.
& YA. I CHANGED FOR THE WORSE.
it's too much for me to bear, to understand. how many times i think of u tears just flowed. i may be willful. but im certainly not wat u think i am.
& i confess tt i dunno my family well. so how can they noe me well? when i noe not myself well.
