th IMPERFECT girl that is STRUGGLING so hard to meet th EXPECTATIONS of this CRUEL WORLD with nothing but a PAPERHEART on her that is TORN and WEATHERED by HARSH CIRCUMSTANCES.

IWILLOVEUU~

`Alvin .
`Angela .
`Benson .
`Boonsiong .
`Brenda .
`Cheryl .
`Claudia .
`Charissa .
`Chingyee .
`Cindy.
`Clara .
`Dawn .
`Darren .
`Doris .
`Doris(c) .
`Edmund .
`Edmund .
`Freida .
`Gabbie .
`Germaine .
`Guinevere .
`Heanghee .
`Huanghao .
`Hweehien .
`Huini .
`Iris .
`Jermine .
`Jiahe .
`Jolinne .
`Junboon .
`Katherine .
`KokKeong .
`Kokleong .
`Kpoqueens .
`Leecheng .
`Lianxin .
`Meiling .
`Natalie .
`Peiying .
`Rouyi .
`Ruiyang .
`Sawyi .
`Sebastian .
`Sheryl .
`Siying .
`Tammie .
`Tiffany .
`Trina .
`Trombonesect .
`Vannie .
`Vennesa .
`Weijie .
`Weikiat .
`Weilin .
`Xinmin
`Xinting
`Xunyan .
`Yifan .
`Yiliang .
`Yongming .
`Yongxiang .

June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 August 2008 October 2008

images: lyraisme
designer: lyraisme
resources: I II

你把一切都说出来，想必好多了。但，我却还没把祥说得说出来。因此，我用自认为真确的方法发泄。

learn to live life the way it is.

CHRISTIANS AIN'T PERFECT. JUST FORGIVEN. IT'S NOT AS IF I WANTED THINGS TO TURN OUT THE WAY IT IS. STOP USING CHRISTIANITY AS UR SHIELD AND WEAPON.

不想说了。但现在的心情真是遭透了。

想尽快了结一切。

式着在课外活动与学业中找出平衡点。

希望能把一切做好。

FOOLISH PRIDE will lead to SELF DESTRUCT and EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.

did i do wat is rite? pls dont tell anyone the contents if U ever read..

soon.. the time will come.

as to why i cried last night.. i really didnt noe. i sat at the stairs.. then i feel very alone. very out of the place. (tt's the reason i wanted to go home) then after tt.. i see evryone there like very together.. look at myself, think of so many things.. then the tears came(without permission again)..

my mood always swing at night time if there's a lot of ppl.. cos i'll feel strangely neglected and alone..

im NASTY. towards YOU.
tt's becos i HATE u.

wat la? stop forcing me. can? maybe i wont go to anyone of them for christmas eve ok?

i just wanna RELAX.

反目成仇。恨死你们。如此虚伪。有眼无珠。

i will make u understand wat it is like to trample upon my pride and to kill me, who at tt point of time is still weak.
u filled me with resentment, guilt, hatred & BLAH BLAH BLAH. u unbalanced my life.

I WILL MAKE U PAY. in wat i deem fit.

it's my first and last promise to u. but i hope.. i'll change before tt.

vengence is sweet.

trying so hard to be ME.

i said i would elaborate.. bout the church thing..

wont u just pause and look around u? look at the ppl with super rich parents. the knowledgeable ones. and then at me/mine. the contrast u may/may not see.. but i saw.

& of cos, in a chuch context, everyone will say it's equal. but is it really?

one will nvr noe how it's like until one experience it. when my fam just join church few years back.. it feels so shitty. do u noe? it's like it's a torture to be in church. it feels as if i was in a foreign land.. .. no friends, no nothing. u see the members and the rich kids huddled together in one corner, with the pastor there. even when they emphasis time n again tt the church is like a family. but i just dun understand how.. it feels as if im stranded on a one-man island.. the pastorate and deconates are like oh-so-sacred. aww man. i hate it.

how i wish i have parents of a certain status.. rich or wadeva.. but of cos.. those who have it may not say it's nice. the expectations tt follow and stuff for the oh-so-high ppl.. but i nvr had the luxury of it. the inferior feeling i have when hanging out w u ppl. guess u will nvr feel it.

rmb when i was younger.. in the church.. -- there's always a christmas play thingy after the church camp. n supposedly, they are practicing their ass off during the camp. so, a bastard-in-christ organised tt thingy n called everyone cept me n gor gor. nvm. i dun care. but do u noe wat they said tt made me furious? even a 9 yea old child could understand tt simple few words. the meaning behind those words. he/she said-- BECOS SHE NVR GO CHURCH CAMP. SO NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE. WTF. nvr go church camp my fault arh? n tt rich man's daughter/son didnt went too. n he/she can participate. wat rubbish!!

wat impression do u think has been made of the church in a 9 year old's heart?

& so many other things..

YF gatherings n stuff.. the fist time i went when i just joined YF. i feel so damned out of place la. like a lone ranger did u noe? everybody like so together lidat. then this miss NOBODY came n intrude their peace. WTH.

& nobody told me anything.

& i cant stand it la. WTH. wat's wrong with u? like u did nothing wrong lidat. the incident is still fresh la. rich so wat? u made spoil my THINGS and u didnt even apologise. not once. and u still have the cheek to say wat? aiyo. why ur stuff so no brand one. WTH. my phone oso. u say wat.. aiyo.. so lan one arh? lidat spoil liao. WTF la. say sorry la. didnt even say. n u wat.. acted like nothing happen. somemore so 理直气壮。wat's this man. even a commoner like me noes how to say sorry when i realise im at fault. n u are supposed to be of a higher class. or maybe.. u think u did nothing wrong.

U ARE SUPERIOR. I AM INFERIOR. HAPPY?

ok. let's see. i quarrel with my parents bout wat? money. n tt's like the first n last thing me n gor will ever argue with our parents about. there is sufficient money, we hardly argue.. den u came n say wat nvr had issues with money.. of cos la. WAT U HAVE IS MONEY. of cos wont have. u ask wat, u have/given. this is like oh-so-craplobster la.

use ur brains n think. wont u?not all.. but most. but of cos, this is my point of view. i dun feel at home. i dun feel good. i feel isolated, left out, criticised, inferior, neglected & BLAH BLAH BLAH. it's just lidat. always liat.

but at least.
IT'S SO MUCH BETTER NOW..

EVEYTHING WAS CARVED, WITH BLOOD DRIPPING, IN A PLACE CALLED HEART.

i dont noe if u care...

im constantly asking myself and the LORD- "WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??" i feel like cutting queue, purposely ending it, to be there faster than expected..

did i not try. but do i dare now? thinking of the consequences. though im nvr present for those events, i experienced the heart wrenching pain n shock of the ppl around. i dun think i can bear to.

&PLS MOM, i wasnt thinking of jumping down the balcony when i climbed. it's only second floor. im not so stupid to get myself paralysed. it's worse than dying okay? and the home windows.. im just sitting there..

dun worry. i wont end my life the way i want it. i will let god end it. unless it is too unbearable. although.. my means of venting maybe torturous to u.

& fyi, i do care for u. rmb tt time at vietnam?when the police were outside and almost raided the place? we had to leave in groups n somehow, i got seperated frm u. my grp was the first one to reach. not one soul i knew was there. i needed the comfort. how i wish i wasnt the one waiting. waited n waited. all the grps returned. except urs. urs returned 1/2 hour later after the 2nd last grp returned. did u noe how worried n scared i was? at tt foreign land? i didnt experience this before n obviously, i didnt ne the consequences. how would i noe? wat happens if u get caught or meets with an accident? i cant bear. there were alr 2 deaths. i managed to numb one n the other came along.. i was so afraid n worried tt i cried. did u noe? i doubt so. when u were back, u didnt seem to think i'll be worried. or maybe u were still upset bout grandpa.. but did u noe how i felt? the words u told me were to painful to recall. i dont wish to recall.

& yet u say i do not care for u.

i do not noe how to show. but it's not my fault. no one taught me how to. ppl say it's natural to noe how to. but i guess tt's not the case for me.

& maybe ya. im not matured enuff. u said ive changed a lot. of cos. ive been changing, to keep up with the image u expected me to have. but do unoe the more i try, the more i fail. im nvr spoilt for choices. it isnt tt simple. u said u dun regard grades. but deep down within, i noe u do. which parent wont? ? A 10th in level isn’t sufficient for myself. Needless to say, u..

u always compare me to him and the others around me. they are like oh-so-perfect in ur eyes. luckily u didnt noe wat i did. or i think, i'll be trampled under ur feet. wont i? u n dad. ever apared a tot for me? everything's a yes. even blogging's a no to u. wat's this. i think, the more i live with ur expectations, the harder my life gets.

& YA. I CHANGED FOR THE WORSE.

it's too much for me to bear, to understand. how many times i think of u tears just flowed. i may be willful. but im certainly not wat u think i am.

& i confess tt i dunno my family well. so how can they noe me well? when i noe not myself well.