Sunday, October 28, 2007
previous post got a lot of wrong words. but no time to change le. so... gonna compartmentalise my life. the bad and unhappy ones hide and put here. the rest put at the other blog.. find tt the lest the person noe of the other side of u, the better it is. so, im trying my best to keep n hide everything n i believe i can. so, get sick n tired of the rubbish here, read the other one.
为何如此虚伪？
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
i felt my heart waltz along with the soothing music. i never forget the way u caressed my sincere heart. however, i noe things cant always work according to my will. i will learn.. learn to give up.
arg. my phone bill's $52.85 when it's originally $30.25. over by $20.50. 死无葬身之地.the past month.. WOW. colourful. first it's exam(stressed), then go ubin- lose ezlink card($19) n fell down(it costs $9 to fall down). return of results and then posting(stress??) comes my way. now, i spent $300 bucks plus out shoping in an hour(tt's news- 没人发现。心虚。i cant have my card with me... haix.) and then now this. MY WONDERFUL PHONE BILL. NEED TO PAY $50 PLUS(over i pay full thing-活该。) i noe the reason. cos ive been sms-ing him from morning till night. never ending. even in class oso.. so.. my msg over by 400 over. my total msg count is 1455..
烦死了。觉得读到很烦就干脆不要读了。去按那红色的[X]。今天心情真是超烂。可不可以不要用那种语气与我说话？两年过了。与215的缘分到此结束。并不觉得可惜。也不会卷俩此班。反而，我想早点离开这‘人间地狱’。我怎么会变成样，这么讨厌215 呢？这都要多亏志杰（edmund）。是他教我的。想当初，我们的友情，确实比现在好几百倍了。但，我从不怪他。这，是我个人的造化。
saw another watch. $80 plus but i just bought one. i like to spent when im feeling don. gg to edit my post on 14oct.
we are not emo. we are just typical teenagers.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
i dun dare. im fearful of the images tt appear when i close my eyes. the thoughts of death. the consequence. it was so real.
at the last few mins of his life, with a frozen smile etched on his face, he breathed 'love with ur heart'. the black eyes found the brown but soon, the brown pair went vacant, sort of empty. tears flowed without permission. it was the guy i like. everything went black and this ended my first dream, followed closely by the second. i felt the intense heat, i could feel the hot air against my sweating skin. everything look livid and on fire. the ppl looked bloodshot and tortured. i ask myself. am i in hell. it looks eternal. i woke up and found myself sweating profusely..
i realised. everything was just a dream. will it happen in reality? everytime i pass by a funeral, i would think-'is the person in hell now or in heaven' (however, if it's a chinese ritual funeral, i noe the ans for sure. and just tt tot tt the person is burning, will freak me out), 'why does the family look sort of... '.... the list goes on. i cant help, but ask myself questions. they may sound silly but they come from deep within.
afraid.
Monday, October 22, 2007
为什么你不是个基督徒？我深深明白自己只能跟一个基督徒交往。我爱到无法自拔。相信彼此，都该学会后退吧。。一个小小的外伤需要几个星期的时间来医治。那么一个碎了的心，富有者内心的折磨，愧疚等于需要多久呢？你来定夺吧。
if any of my teachers ever chance upon tis, i apologise- sorry. n i advise them not to read it. but.. they should bu understanding enough to let me vent my frustrations.
fed up with doing assignments on E-learning. i see no use of it. the teaches are just a bunch of inconsiderate ________(fill in wadeva u want to) . dun they noe tt it's super hard to do maths on 'Hey! maths' ? it's a torture. having to key in symbols after symbols. the squares, square roots, pi and EVERYTHING. their just making their job simple. when we submit, the computer will auto mark for them. but then.. dun they noe tt it takes at the average(my class) of 1h or even more to just complete 1 mensuration worksheet with 5 question? normally, a worksheet like this takes only 15 mins. chop chop, it's done. the onli wonderful point bout it is tt, the teachers can make sure we hand in all our graded assignments during the holidays or, in this case, this 3 days break.
my views on E-learning(negative)
1. parents may not be tt understanding.. (u spent the whole day in front of the computer)
2. it takes up a lot of time.
3. ppl may not have the chinese software to type out a 300 words long compo.
4. it is hard for teenagers to resist the temptations of the computer..
5. hard to align things when doing maths questions.
6. wonderful symbols giving wonderful problems.
my views on e-learning(positive)
1. able to catch up during holidays
2. teacher able to monintor our progress.
tt's about tt. cant blame me on the negative stuff. band takes up a lot of my time. how can i find time to do assignments properly online..(it's graded la.. i have high expectations..) haha..
i shall not complain anymore.. looking at all my e-learning assignments to be completed by tmr.. im gg to faint. every single subject.. maybe i'll pon sch on THURSDAY. (there's the cross-country run tt i hate too..) *hopeful*
Saturday, October 20, 2007
爱的定义是什么？真的好痛苦。
期盼你的到来。
42 more days to fuhua military band concert. what will it turn out to be? disaster or a happy ending? will the efforts be paid off? i hope so.
getting back report book on 31st and posting on 3rd. it's either a triple or a double. half of them told me triple, half of them told me double. i made the decision, with the help of god. be it triple or bouble, he will bring me through..
Thursday, October 18, 2007
脱掉鲜丽的外壳，剩下的又是什么呢？
did i make the right choice? i hope so. but then.. i should just leave everything to God. place my faith in him.. not onli in this but also in every aspect of life too.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
老师对我说：
倩仪，
有时候人的心就像一个无底洞。当我们想尽办法装满它的时候却发生无论我怎么装，我的心还是空的。着时的我们开始生气，开始烦恼。可是，无论我们再怎么折磨自己，无底洞还是无底洞，耗尽了我们的一生，这个洞仍不会满。其实，我们只要换心态，将这个无底洞变成一个温暖的小房间，用心的经营它，我们将会是幸福和美满的。
读了老师所说的，我感受到老师对我的关心等。也了解到，有时候，某些事情是不用行动来表达的。这证明了老师对我的了解，也使我非常感动。但，果真如此吗？试着去尝试，我想应该会有所感触吧。但，我有着耐力与信心吗？
im tired of trying. living on tt shimmering light of hope. n when i fall, into darkness n condemnation. why is there always hope? when there's hope, there's disappointment.. and the things tt accompany. the chances are slim. yet, i reach out for it, knowing well tt i take ages to heal. but wat can be done?
IT, really is impt to me.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
你们是否真正接受我呢？我不知道。只知道自己是个非常不完美的青少年。我，禁不起考验，受不起玩笑。表面上，也许还好。但，不知你们内心里是否讨厌我，厌倦我。之间是否有着唇亡齿寒的关系呢？我想应该没有吧。但，我知道，与其他的会友，也许有吧。当我在远远的看着你们，感到非常羡慕。发觉自己好像不是一分子。我，认为因该知难而退。
如今我的胸口，在也没有地方可以淤伤了。淤青的恒迹，可能要好久一段时间都不会消失。请你不要再让我淤伤。心，尖角只有一个吗？那么一直是我胸口刺痛的又是什么？但，伤口始终会复原。这，就是爱的力量。
你们真的在乎我吗？还是表面上而已？毕竟，我们不是很熟。不愿多想。不会觉得我厌烦吗？保持距离是否是最好的选择呢？
pulau ubin. early in the morning gotta wake up with my whole back aching.. then, met uncle eric n go there. for once, im early for like 40 mins. for this 40 mins, he tok to me bout a lot of things.. but all, eventually link to god de.(shh.. tell U something. i dun find uncle eric trustworthy..tt's cos he thinks tt if u have a grudge or something with a person u should tell him/her.. n.. maybe he'll tell it for u. jkjk. but others may find him trustworthy. )
then, havent reach there 就被泼冷水。lost ezlink.. on the bus. -_- reach there, dun feel really well, didnt have much appetite. song feed me something.. AND it was captured on video. wonderful. then, rented bike and stuff. the guys in my group super fast.. cept for gerald n wyekit.. cos they stayed at the back.. then then then.. at the trail there, dunno i look back for wat. n i fell into the rocky hole thing an excruciating pain shot through my leg. n i laughed. but it's super pain la. like tt's not enuff, i fell again.. at the end of the slope. i DIDNT cycle ok? n i wasnt CHASING anyone. think it's accumulated energy. then i dunno do wat. want to press brake and turn. but the bike suddenly jerk. then i flew??? out of it. then the bike landed on me. then my bike went into the triangular thing. and the ppl at the shelther there went wow. (tt's wat daniel told me la.) yeah. i was laughing again. n the 3 guys, once again, joked 'fall until so cham, still can laugh arh. not bad arh.. ' i was like. of cos laugh. or not wat? cry meh? n gerald said, aiya, since raining, u cry oso nobody noe.. yeap.. tt's true.. n i did just tt.
thanks. tt's all i have to say. i realised tt day tt they were all actually warm n caring. instead of wat i usually think they were-冷漠无情， sarcastic. but if tt's e case.. how could they get themselves attached?
really wondered if u were toking bout her.. she seem.. not to have forgotten, the past history.
at the end of the day, i cant help.. but to break down.. at the boat.. i was staring into space n my eyes went misty and tears flowed. everything was drained from me. flash backs of the day.. think of the care n support i yearn to get frm my family.. but i got it. frm the ppl round me. really thankful. from head to toe, everything was screaming in protest. emotionally n physically. when anthea hugged me n song embraced me, i felt worse. everything came out. couldnt bottle it inside anymore. graes n everything. why dont they understand?
however, Realised something through my falls at Pulau Ubin. 1. God answers prayer at his time. 2. God gives more than what we ask for. there was twice when i prayed for god to let me fall, a SIMPLE fall. just a small cut or wat, to allow me to skip physical education and during sec2 camp..(really tot it was a waste of time then .. even until now.) guessed he really answered n gave me more...
不要用那种眼神监视我。
Thursday, October 11, 2007
历史会重演吗？ 不想如此。
我，不知所措。考试刚结束了。明天，便会拿回高华卷纸。感到非常担忧。担心害怕考试并不理想是理所当然的。但是，无形中带给自己的压力却逐渐增加。我，非常害怕。我想保持自己的程度，想身上中上高华班，修读三纯科学。但是，能如愿以偿么？年终考试的总成绩，我想像上半年一样，得到第一名，脱颖而出，得到表扬。但，这会是一场梦吗？ 我，能用优异的成绩来慰劳自己吗？
朋友追问成绩的行为将会使我反感。我，非常厌倦，必须面带笑容的答复你们，遮掩我的悲痛。感觉上，我快要崩溃了。这种种，使我了解到上害自己将会使周围的人受到伤害。老实说，我认为自己把这十四年的时间不明不白的消磨掉了。
