th IMPERFECT girl that is STRUGGLING so hard to meet th EXPECTATIONS of this CRUEL WORLD with nothing but a PAPERHEART on her that is TORN and WEATHERED by HARSH CIRCUMSTANCES.

IWILLOVEUU~

`Alvin .
`Angela .
`Benson .
`Boonsiong .
`Brenda .
`Cheryl .
`Claudia .
`Charissa .
`Chingyee .
`Cindy.
`Clara .
`Dawn .
`Darren .
`Doris .
`Doris(c) .
`Edmund .
`Edmund .
`Freida .
`Gabbie .
`Germaine .
`Guinevere .
`Heanghee .
`Huanghao .
`Hweehien .
`Huini .
`Iris .
`Jermine .
`Jiahe .
`Jolinne .
`Junboon .
`Katherine .
`KokKeong .
`Kokleong .
`Kpoqueens .
`Leecheng .
`Lianxin .
`Meiling .
`Natalie .
`Peiying .
`Rouyi .
`Ruiyang .
`Sawyi .
`Sebastian .
`Sheryl .
`Siying .
`Tammie .
`Tiffany .
`Trina .
`Trombonesect .
`Vannie .
`Vennesa .
`Weijie .
`Weikiat .
`Weilin .
`Xinmin
`Xinting
`Xunyan .
`Yifan .
`Yiliang .
`Yongming .
`Yongxiang .

June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 August 2008 October 2008

images: lyraisme
designer: lyraisme
resources: I II

i dunno wat i want. but certainly not left alone at the wrong time. really find tt humans are hard to please(inc myself).. man.. wat do they want? i can onli answer a honest dunno. u ask me if im feeling okay. but, will u take no for an answer? ive told u upteen times im not. but im nvr rendered a choice. i'll be lying if i say yes. if u ask me wat happen, pigs could fly. can u just show more concern? but nvm. i must learn contentment.

love.

yeah. losing myself control like nobody's business. i hate it. realised tt i hate a lot of things tt im doing now. i felt the sudden urge to d something tt day. luckily i didnt. dunno y. everytime im angry i'll be tempted to do something tt i previously did a few years back. i regretted. i stopped. but now.. the feeling to do it is coming back..

get a grip!

i dunnno how may times im rejected. even when i tried it the first time. i was rejected, case closed. but the feeling of rejection is not exactly fantastic. i mean they just tell u 'no'. it kills all your confidence la. im trying not to give up hope.

god, give me strength and to not fear rejection.

dunno wat's gotten into me this days.. feel so short-tempered la. hate myself lidat. went home, waited for asher, xinhui and eugene to come for tution. then i went down for bball spree. vent all my stress and frustrations. but now.. my back hurting like crazy.. wadeva. if i feel pain means im not numb yet. and tt's a wonderful sign! down with flu and cough. oh ya. cut my index finger today.. i myself dunno whether it's on purpose or not. haix.. WAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME MAN..

i seriously dunno how to account for wat im doing presently.

everything just feel so empty and hollow.life is so 'great' . cant imagine how 'happy' i am. spare me the sarcasm. pls. so, EDMUND LEE. it took u long enough to realise tt its not helping me at all right? im really sorry if i made u disappointed. but man. u chose the wrong path; both physically or spiritually. havent u hurt me enough? or u are still not done with me yet? i tell u, if u have not forsaken me and let me stray, thinking tt u are influencing me, then i wont have been like this now. but im not blaming u. it's my own fault. i cant change. i tried to prove it to u. but i just cant. sometimes, i really hate u. the misery u put me through. feel like hurting myself, just to spite the ppl around me.noe it's foolish but i cant help it. im gg mental.

foolishness. tt's me.

Stop giving me lobsters can or not? I told myself not to use vulglarities here. So, I will not. But please la. Everytime u angry, u say the same old thing. The vulglarities u use is oso exactly the same. So old fashioned. Be more modern can or not? Please. If u were not my father, I would have hurled back abouse at u la. But u are. N I cant change this fact no matter how mush I hate u. so please. U dun like me, I dun like u too. Dun think u are so popular still say wat we (my brother and i) are thick skinned to live in ur house. Pls. like we want lidat. The environment u provide for us is hell. Wat? Thinck-skinned? Then in the first place why have us? I really hate the thought tt u are somewhat related to me. I feel ashamed.

someone, pls counsel me. Im gg crazy at the thought tt he is my father.

dunno why but just dun feel like me this days. feel simply terrible.. haix. lobsters. but nvm. the lord is with me. but sometimes i still really dun feel him there. i must get closer to him, our relationship must be stronger, yeah.

trust.

3 months plus.. why cant i forget? i mean.. we've been toking to each other on n off, on n off. the three of them. 2 man 1 lady. haha. now i realised something. i got closer to the guy tt i have always wanted to tok to in sec 1. but now, the guy tt i have baan toking to since sec 1. is like ignoring me la. not ignore. but like.. refusing to help me stand. he left me to climb up alone after the painful fall. he forsaked me, thinkin it was the best choice, but he was wrong. totally wrong. he tot tt that could make me more indepentdant and less dependabt on him n SOME others around me. but im still crawling. Claudia says i look weaker and weaker each day, both physically and emotionally. she saw. everything. cos i told her. i may be laughing, playing, smiling. but deep within, if u look closely, look into my eyes and by chance may see the tears forcefully controlled. the fire within me has dimmed. im dont tok as much as i do. cos there is no one. hence, when i get the chance, i need to let everything out. do u noe how many times i cried after each conversation? after ach time i let the steam out? i cried to myself resentfully everyday, thinking why i am lidat. i really hate it and when i read his words, of how he loved and died for me, i cant help but cry again. his sciptures. he had always been there. it was me tt's too foolish, not wanting to find him. but i dunno. i want to complete my work here; on this earth. i want to reach out to souls, bring them to this heavenly father tt cared so much for me.

lord, take control of me. help me. please.

i walked to far.. i loitered away. sorry.

hard to keep this blog living.. feeling and knowing is different. after u noe u must put it into action. then will ppl see/noe.do u think i like to quarrel with u constanly? im oso human leh. not robot. u must give me time to rest. not once i reach home do this do that, in a wonderfully 'sweet' voice. i have really did my best to change, and improve the relationship with u ppl. but.. there's still this gap between us. i admit tt one of u is oso working as hard as i am, to meet up with the requirements of each other. it takes two hands to clap. but the other one isint cooperating. but let us just forgive n forget. no use raking up the past. its useless and it wont improve things..

let bygones be bygones.

but sometimes.. i just come help but wonder. do u really care for me? u rather go out then bringme to the doctor... forget it. i shall pray. be PRAYERFUL. forget who say de. but ya. it will help.

love, forgive, forget, tolerate.

uncle harvey asked if i want to be attached to a tacher and observe how to teach.. for around a year thn later to learn to teach.. he said he was hoping i could do it in sec four or after. but.. im just starting to learn how to teach the kids to sing. dun scare me away!! but no la. this kind of things.. pray first then say.. let me settle my problems, get things right with god.. and then i'll consider. it's all in his plan. so there's no need to rush. :) once again.. it prayers are needed. haha.

prayerful.

now i think tt grades is not as more achievable than self-control.. but god will lead n guide me. if i can achieve self control with the help of god, i can surely accomplish and achieve other RIGHT things.

Self-control.

ha.. stop acting like u guys noe me can? i really hate it- all the stuff.. it's so crab n lobster. why do u all make me feel so full of hatred. when i go with u all, u say i dull, nvr smile. when i nvr tok to u all, u say i angry w u. pls la. then wat dou expect me to do? be like a puppet n smile/laugh when u tell me to do tt? ask urself. u are subconciously over-riding my feelings. u dun allow me to feel sad. u want me to laugh when i feel terrible. do u noe how tiring n painful this is? to force a smile everytime u want me to? im just lidat, with this wierd behaviour n attitude. then u think urs very good meh? forget it. think wat u want. it's not my problem. do u think i like the way im carrying myself? no. u are wrong. i hate it too. but wat can i do? so pls stop wat u are currently doing.

attitude.

it has been two months plus. we didnt tok; i didnt confide. he left; i cried. but.. did he even care? i think not. it is impossible now to go back to my sec1 life where i dun feel tt fed-up. be it with emotions or friends. but now.. with more friends, more problem. the moment u break away, they will talk behind u. so is this really friends? who noes? im tired.

alone; my destiny.