th IMPERFECT girl that is STRUGGLING so hard to meet th EXPECTATIONS of this CRUEL WORLD with nothing but a PAPERHEART on her that is TORN and WEATHERED by HARSH CIRCUMSTANCES.

IWILLOVEUU~

`Alvin .
`Angela .
`Benson .
`Boonsiong .
`Brenda .
`Cheryl .
`Claudia .
`Charissa .
`Chingyee .
`Cindy.
`Clara .
`Dawn .
`Darren .
`Doris .
`Doris(c) .
`Edmund .
`Edmund .
`Freida .
`Gabbie .
`Germaine .
`Guinevere .
`Heanghee .
`Huanghao .
`Hweehien .
`Huini .
`Iris .
`Jermine .
`Jiahe .
`Jolinne .
`Junboon .
`Katherine .
`KokKeong .
`Kokleong .
`Kpoqueens .
`Leecheng .
`Lianxin .
`Meiling .
`Natalie .
`Peiying .
`Rouyi .
`Ruiyang .
`Sawyi .
`Sebastian .
`Sheryl .
`Siying .
`Tammie .
`Tiffany .
`Trina .
`Trombonesect .
`Vannie .
`Vennesa .
`Weijie .
`Weikiat .
`Weilin .
`Xinmin
`Xinting
`Xunyan .
`Yifan .
`Yiliang .
`Yongming .
`Yongxiang .

June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 August 2008 October 2008

images: lyraisme
designer: lyraisme
resources: I II

DEAD BLOG. DID TH OWNER DIE?

MAYBE.

HOSPITALISATION WAS A FUN EXPERIENCE.

damn it.

just come back from sec3 overseas camp then make me so pissed.

i love mrchiadaddy. love him more then o love my real dad.

how many times have i said it?!

i should learn contentment!!!

i trusted u like SIAO. told u things tt i didnt even breathe t other souls. we are just aqquaintance.. but yet, i trusted u. u leh/. u treated me like wat? ask ur self, ur conscience. am i asking too much?

crossroads.

dilema.

我不断地问自己，好想知道答案。为什么一切会有今天的局面。我一直以来把一切当成理所当然。我一直以来依赖着你。我要求你为我付出，但却从未为你着想过。我好像真得太过分了。但是，你不是第一天认识我。难道，你视不出我时真或假吗？你，听不出我的语气吗？也许因为我认为你能，而造成了我们俩现在所在的处境。难道真是这样吗？那我真的错了。错在自己太信任你。我感到自己像是被出卖了，被刮了一巴掌。也许你认为这没什么大不了的，你，只不过是与你班上的同学重复了我所说的话。我好难过。因为，现在的我，觉得你并不怎么了解我。

无声呐喊。

我不想失去你这个朋友！

我好像对自己说：‘没关系，排名并不是全部。就算考不好，尽力了，有奈何得了谁呢？’但是，我办不到。现实如此残酷，当我成绩不再像以前一样好时，朋友会疏远我吗？我已没有利用价值了，在功课上帮不了他们。他们会与我做朋友吗？我，没什么可畏的内在美，又有谁会要与我这种整天愁眉不展的人做朋友呢？我的思想狭窄，什么东西都做不好，真是着世界的败类。难道不是吗？

i feel lousy. terrible. at th last day of th week so, it's like WTH. ppl onli have monday blues. not friday blues. but seriously. i feel broken once again. i was so alright this week. then something just have to come and WHOOSH, everything goes down th hill.

I HATE IT WHEN PPL XPECT ME TO REPLY THEIR MSGS BUT DUN REPLY MINE.

ive been able to control myself a lot more lately. didnt do it for around 4 days le. which is like, a very great improvemt to me. i feel as if i didnt do it for like one month? im jusrt too reliant on it. but, alas. all things work tgt for good.

it really helped. thanks. =)

feeling 'on high' today. but i didnt do anything foolish. at least, not yet. n hope i wont. gonna go back to my homework soon.

routined-life.

exams coming. band stopped. it's like finally time for me to catch up. time for me to 'relax' & 'learn' at th same time. however hard it is to cope. i can onli say i'll try.

they are not excuses. thinkings and feelings are different. there's nothing much i can say regarding this. but .. self multilation is definitely not a pleasure. so see things in th wrong light.

th day came when u finally have to leave for ur exams, coursework, everythingl. i felt crippled, as if ive lost an arm (no arm cant play.). th wings i once felt i owned felt clipped. u left me to fend for myyself, to learn independence. something i tot i'll nvr have to face/ a skill i nvr needed rto master. but then.. it wasnt reality .. was it? guess i was at my lala land then.

i remember since sec1, i was sitting beside u. always beside. it made me rely on u so much u noe? just by sitting beside u in sec1&2, made me grow a special bond with u, increased my reliance of u. i needed u to be beside me in practices. and thhen sec3 came.. this year, i felt as if u have been 'snatched' away. i o longer sit beside u. due to th stupid 'senior junior senior' formation, i cant. ZZZ. and it was so irritating u noe? it made me dislike tt junior at first. TSK. cos im too used to sitting beside u, hearing n trying my best to follow how u play.

i feel terrible inside u noe. when i was sitting beside u. u were looking sad too. n i seriously cant think of anything to sday to u to 'break ice' as if we needed it. but fine. i sent a msg to u n suddenly, u burst out saying siao arh, zhe yang jing hai msg. but it was really hard u noe? to convey exactly how i feel, the endless thoughts tt run through my mind as i sit beside u. there'll be nobody beside me now. though i quarrel with u most(i should say), due to failing ur expectations n stuff lidat, u were still th closest to me in th section. i lovved u most in th section. i cant bear, to see u leaving, yet not leaving. the irony behind it. the sadness u must have felt too. it was hard. really hard. n then, if u realised, i kept my head down most of th time, as tears were flowing down silently. i couldnt bring myself to look up, into ur eyes, n say goodbye so happily. i felt devastated. the last time i'll be sitting beside u. (when u come back u better sit beside me arh!)

As the journey wears on n u tell me bout the section, this n tt, wat to take note of, i once again, felt th tears welling in my eyes., it's really difficult. i have to take th responsibility of leading n guiding th section. though so many have promised to be by me n help it was still tough. really awful. i cant imagine the next practice where im officially announced as the 'SL' of the section, i think i'll feel helpless. the parts tt my section ppl need to play. how im gg to allocate, as there will need to be a change in certain parts.. the trouble n confusion within the section with a leader like me will be clear. i am really afraid. i feel like running away from band. however, i noe i wont. cos i cant bring myself to disappoint ruiyang. i wont. i'll try my best. wont i? but then, ruiyang! i really feel like screaming at u.. for making me feel such emptiness and greatstress.. even the endless msges of 'dun need stress, u can do it one, i have faith in u' doesnt help.

endless streams of emotions to express n let mrSL noe. but im just tt bad at language..

defenceless. once again. left alone, to climb up and walk. i need to conquere all odds n lead my section, through th dark tunnel i feel im in now. we, will definitely see the bright light at th end of the tunnel. wont we? working as a section, im sure we can do it.

see how sometimes ppl are like smiled faces? forced to smile.


不敢相信你就这样离去
就在那场滂沱的大雨里
无法忘记那句简单的鼓励
多年以后还萦绕在心底

曾经我迷失自己曾经我想过放弃
人生的路口该怎么抉择我看不清
后来我终于明白理想它一直都在
只是恐惧不安逼着我去逃避

是你给我力量让我能勇敢的站在舞台上
是你给我信仰让我能找回信心不再彷徨
每一首歌都有最真实的呼喊
你一直都在你是我生命的太阳

是你给我希望让我在黑夜里看的见亮光
是你给我梦想让我在蓝天上面展翅飞翔
每一首歌都有最真实的呼喊
你一直都在你是我心中那道最耀眼的光

i noe u are helping, trying ur best, but cant u see im trying too? cant u see im struggling real hard? i noe u noe. but pls. i need to feel it. the tot alone is not enough.

u said u think i hate u. u said i did not treat u like how i treat my friends. how then do u want me to treat u?

u are banning me from this n that. im really tired. but i still dun want to give up, at least, not yet.

things tt i seek after.. results are shit. cant bring myself to face them.

think im really running away from th prob..

TIRED! n im tired of saying im tired..

zzzzzzzzzz. i have so many thing to tok about. and i dunno where n how to start.. nvm..
toking face to face is so much better.. u can see the person's facial expression n induce wat they thhink.

i think im suffering from bipolar disorder. tt's wat the doc said too. crazy me.

medication-ed.

i did badly for CT. still trying to accept my grades as it is.

failing all my own expectations. everything is below class average. WTH.

still got to thank god for the two As, thou... ya.

学着，在适当时把手放开。
了解到，握紧拳头，毫无好处。
累了。
哭了。
好沮丧。
希望自己能尽快好起来。

learning the fact tt ppl do care for me.

crap. i hate this keyboard. it's fraking lousy., maaking my so frustrated. so.. sorry for the spelling n typo errors. cos changing on tis keyboard maake me irritated. cant post a long post.

i hate it. wat nonsence is this? eveerything is dilapilated. i feel as if im living in a freak pg sty or somesort beggar house, with almost nothing available/accesible. crp. nothing in place for my life. sometimes, i really wonder why god put me in this particular world, this particular nation & in this particular home.

i want to shout my comments, frustrations n everything out loud. but where is my audience/? thh crowd seems to dissappear n vanish. which is like_____. arghz. wat m i toking about.

the point of no return. wil i reach out for it?

this is really pointless. i HATE it. wat t hell is wrong with me? wat is the essence in m tt makes u hate me? wat in the world did i do? im trying so hard to be of tt standard. but y cant i?? i fall even deeper and tis makes me more shhort-fused!!!

fuck. i hate my damn it life, tis damn it keyboard, my damn it family...(the lis nnever ends.)
however, above all, i hate MYSELF for hating the endless things.

finding my place n stand in life. things seem to be diminishing...

i hope youth(games) l8r wiill cheer me uup. but it seems hard, judging from the fact tt i'll be left out/alone. bible study following the youth. maybe i can seek somfort in God's word.

-speechless-

i seriously dunno wat to answer u.

u tell me to control. HOW? u think i dun want to? u think i find pleasure in hurting myself time and again? im helpless. i seriously cant control myself at times. i noe i shouldnt do all this things and all those things. but yet, i did it. be it out of spite or wat, i dunno. im unable to control the burning emotion within. i feel like exploding. i feel out of of my mind.

take this morning for example. i've finish all my stuff at arnd 12 plus 1 and after much negotiation with myself, i decided to turn in for the night. i told myself to get up at 4.30 latest to revise for the test today. ok. i start waking and sleeping from 4.00-4.55 am. b/w this short span of time, i dreamed a lot of things. at 4.55, i decided to wake up. shut the alarm for good and lay at my bed and said my morning prayer. god noes wat happen, i feel asleep. here, is where the trouble began.

i woke finally at 5.15 realising tt im late, i started to get very worked up. i slapped and hit myself like crazy. i gave the back of my palm a little slit. fully awake. but this is just the starting. i felt the anger rise up inside. im not angry at anyone else. just at myself. my mom siad i started shouting at myself and shaking uncontrollably. then i started hiting the faces on my bedsheet cover, saying they are fake and stuff. i lost control and started crying, cowering in my bed.

i dunno wat to say. i feel angry at myself. i hate myself. if im just a bit better, a bit more perfect, maybe things wont be so bad. maybe there'll be less quarrels and more peace. im not angry at the others out there. just myself. so du keep saying i hate u. i dun.

even if i do dislike u, i oso dislike myself for tt. i hate myself for no being able to show love, to accept everything as it is. i hate myself for feeling jealous over the slightest thing, for being so suspicious.

I HATE MYSELF.

sometimes i really wonder. if i die now, would anyone even bother to go down to my funeral or even feel sad becos im not around anymore.

(this is not to any of my family members. however, it applies to a lot of the others who told me the same thing.)

u tell me u care. tt u love me, u will be there for me. but onli now did i realise how true it is. u cant be there every single time i needed help. late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. would u be there? u wont? but i dun blame u. i hate myself for my selfishness, for wanting attention from u. i hate myself for the thought of wanting to domineer part of ur life; wanting u to always be there.

im really tired. there's no one for me to tok to. it's too superficial. sometimes, even a HUG is hard to get. how i wish i can bring myself to cry infront of u, every single week, to let u comfort me and hold my hand and walk with me step by step.

however, ive got to learn how to bottle things up. i cant possibly be running to u with every single thing tt im facing and expect immediate comfort. u need ur rest. u have times where u need comfort too. ur own probs, ur troubles. i must learn. to hold things within and act as if im perfectly alright. i must learn.

WE LIVE IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLD.

You Are 68% Emo

While you may not be completely emo, you have a sensitive, deep, troubled soul.

think the high-lighted one is 100% true. the rest a bit.. What Natalie Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. (SIAOfiao. onli with guys in sch can?)You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

think the high-lighted one is 100% true. the rest a bit..

我真的有得选择吗？

不知多久了，才能用到电脑。就算用，也只不过是短短的半个小时，微不足道。好累。

从开学到现在，我好像没有真正的休息过。繁重的功课压力，也使我每次流下眼泪。说真的，我一点也不明白老师再说什么。我不会做很多问题， 在每个科目上都碰到困难。每次看着那白板时，我都会留下绝望的眼泪。我对自己感到很失望，讨厌自己。我真的能在目前的这个班继续生活吗？也许已开始，一切都是错误的。我，不属于这个世界，不属于3S5.

老师，你对我说你会担心我，日日夜夜为我操心... 耀杰说你叫WAIKHIN不要‘欺负’我们... 我心里高兴。就算不是真心的，我也宁可相信那是您的真心话。因为，已经好久好久没有人这样对我说了。我那受伤的心灵受到了些安慰。你说找辅导员，也许对我有帮助。你说这样会好些，因为有了专业的帮助。而您说自己，只能眼睁睁的看住我。我愿意听你的话，因为你是关心我的。可是，去了哪，我好像变得更糟糕。我更是认为那辅导员很虚伪。他很像把我做的一些当成是青少年的叛逆，她根本不了解我内心地感受。好像我无缘无故，没事时就往自己手上割。我，也不像这样的啊。我也不知自己合时会如此。我为什么会不要帮助自己呢？我当然也想活得无忧无虑点。

我还有很多很多话要说。但是，我又没有时间把一切说完。

算了。你要的话，我也会去的。

我不会排斥，也不能排斥。我只能默默地接受。

like i said, wait till im 21 before u say tt. why not just check me into a hostel? or buy me another house.. i HATE u. u understand it? u are so insignificant in my eyes tt i would rather u die off than irritate me every now n then. i hate u for being me EARTHLY FATHER. u are NOTHING, i say nothing, compared to my HEAVENLY FATHER. i detest u. i tell u. when u die, i wont even care. get it? ur voice makes me sick. i feel damn-it irritated when u open ur fucking mouth. nothing good comes out of it. GET IT? dun u fucking care bout me can? just LEAVE ME ALONE. n i dun feel like staying at home..

SCRAM. GET LOST. stop making my life miserable and upsetting my emotions.

irritating piece of shit.

VERBAL ABUSE AND SCOLDING ALR HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME NOW. THE MORE U SAY, THE MORE I'LL HURL ABUSE N HATE U IN MY HEART,EVEN THOUGH I DUN SHOW IT.

FUCK YOU.

I REALLY HATE U.

I HOPE U DIE, REALLY FAST. OR I DIE FIRST OSO CAN.

sorry for my language.

point taken.

i understood it fully. we will nvr reconcile. dun worry. we are onli tied together by name and blood ties. nothing else. this is becos, YOU DETEST ME AND I DETEST YOU. the sight of u simply irks me. ur actions are even worst. whenever u open tt damned mouth of urs, i feel like glueing it, giving u a tight slap. n same for u too, u idiot boy. stop calling me names. im not ur chu qi tong. however, i believe tt u think tt of me too.. we're quits. dun u get me to do something for u again.

ppl say u feel best with ur fam. but i feel like thrash. literal thrash.

wat is wrong with me?

arghs... i feel like crying whenever i stare at the whiteboard.

参加乐团使我感到遍体鳞伤。

我为了你掉过的眼泪你忘了吗?
我和你的承诺难道不奏效了吗?
我相信你还是记得我的.我相信.因为我从来都没有不相信过你。

也许一开始，一切已是错误的。
同样的话，说的却是两个人的悲哀； 对这两个不相识的人发标。

换了班，难道就不一样了吗？

好想脱下那累人的面具，痛快地哭出声来。
但是，我做不到。不想程现那脆弱的一面。

Psalm 6

1 O LORD, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.
2 Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed.
3 My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long?
4 Return, O LORD, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake.
5 For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?
6 I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.
7 Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.
8 Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the LORD hath heard the voice of my weeping.
9 The LORD hath heard my supplication; the LORD will receive my prayer.
10 Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed: let them return and be ashamed suddenly.

你把一切都说出来，想必好多了。但，我却还没把祥说得说出来。因此，我用自认为真确的方法发泄。

learn to live life the way it is.

CHRISTIANS AIN'T PERFECT. JUST FORGIVEN. IT'S NOT AS IF I WANTED THINGS TO TURN OUT THE WAY IT IS. STOP USING CHRISTIANITY AS UR SHIELD AND WEAPON.

不想说了。但现在的心情真是遭透了。

想尽快了结一切。

式着在课外活动与学业中找出平衡点。

希望能把一切做好。

FOOLISH PRIDE will lead to SELF DESTRUCT and EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.

did i do wat is rite? pls dont tell anyone the contents if U ever read..

soon.. the time will come.

as to why i cried last night.. i really didnt noe. i sat at the stairs.. then i feel very alone. very out of the place. (tt's the reason i wanted to go home) then after tt.. i see evryone there like very together.. look at myself, think of so many things.. then the tears came(without permission again)..

my mood always swing at night time if there's a lot of ppl.. cos i'll feel strangely neglected and alone..

im NASTY. towards YOU.
tt's becos i HATE u.

wat la? stop forcing me. can? maybe i wont go to anyone of them for christmas eve ok?

i just wanna RELAX.

反目成仇。恨死你们。如此虚伪。有眼无珠。

i will make u understand wat it is like to trample upon my pride and to kill me, who at tt point of time is still weak.
u filled me with resentment, guilt, hatred & BLAH BLAH BLAH. u unbalanced my life.

I WILL MAKE U PAY. in wat i deem fit.

it's my first and last promise to u. but i hope.. i'll change before tt.

vengence is sweet.

trying so hard to be ME.

i said i would elaborate.. bout the church thing..

wont u just pause and look around u? look at the ppl with super rich parents. the knowledgeable ones. and then at me/mine. the contrast u may/may not see.. but i saw.

& of cos, in a chuch context, everyone will say it's equal. but is it really?

one will nvr noe how it's like until one experience it. when my fam just join church few years back.. it feels so shitty. do u noe? it's like it's a torture to be in church. it feels as if i was in a foreign land.. .. no friends, no nothing. u see the members and the rich kids huddled together in one corner, with the pastor there. even when they emphasis time n again tt the church is like a family. but i just dun understand how.. it feels as if im stranded on a one-man island.. the pastorate and deconates are like oh-so-sacred. aww man. i hate it.

how i wish i have parents of a certain status.. rich or wadeva.. but of cos.. those who have it may not say it's nice. the expectations tt follow and stuff for the oh-so-high ppl.. but i nvr had the luxury of it. the inferior feeling i have when hanging out w u ppl. guess u will nvr feel it.

rmb when i was younger.. in the church.. -- there's always a christmas play thingy after the church camp. n supposedly, they are practicing their ass off during the camp. so, a bastard-in-christ organised tt thingy n called everyone cept me n gor gor. nvm. i dun care. but do u noe wat they said tt made me furious? even a 9 yea old child could understand tt simple few words. the meaning behind those words. he/she said-- BECOS SHE NVR GO CHURCH CAMP. SO NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE. WTF. nvr go church camp my fault arh? n tt rich man's daughter/son didnt went too. n he/she can participate. wat rubbish!!

wat impression do u think has been made of the church in a 9 year old's heart?

& so many other things..

YF gatherings n stuff.. the fist time i went when i just joined YF. i feel so damned out of place la. like a lone ranger did u noe? everybody like so together lidat. then this miss NOBODY came n intrude their peace. WTH.

& nobody told me anything.

& i cant stand it la. WTH. wat's wrong with u? like u did nothing wrong lidat. the incident is still fresh la. rich so wat? u made spoil my THINGS and u didnt even apologise. not once. and u still have the cheek to say wat? aiyo. why ur stuff so no brand one. WTH. my phone oso. u say wat.. aiyo.. so lan one arh? lidat spoil liao. WTF la. say sorry la. didnt even say. n u wat.. acted like nothing happen. somemore so 理直气壮。wat's this man. even a commoner like me noes how to say sorry when i realise im at fault. n u are supposed to be of a higher class. or maybe.. u think u did nothing wrong.

U ARE SUPERIOR. I AM INFERIOR. HAPPY?

ok. let's see. i quarrel with my parents bout wat? money. n tt's like the first n last thing me n gor will ever argue with our parents about. there is sufficient money, we hardly argue.. den u came n say wat nvr had issues with money.. of cos la. WAT U HAVE IS MONEY. of cos wont have. u ask wat, u have/given. this is like oh-so-craplobster la.

use ur brains n think. wont u?not all.. but most. but of cos, this is my point of view. i dun feel at home. i dun feel good. i feel isolated, left out, criticised, inferior, neglected & BLAH BLAH BLAH. it's just lidat. always liat.

but at least.
IT'S SO MUCH BETTER NOW..

EVEYTHING WAS CARVED, WITH BLOOD DRIPPING, IN A PLACE CALLED HEART.

i dont noe if u care...

im constantly asking myself and the LORD- "WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??" i feel like cutting queue, purposely ending it, to be there faster than expected..

did i not try. but do i dare now? thinking of the consequences. though im nvr present for those events, i experienced the heart wrenching pain n shock of the ppl around. i dun think i can bear to.

&PLS MOM, i wasnt thinking of jumping down the balcony when i climbed. it's only second floor. im not so stupid to get myself paralysed. it's worse than dying okay? and the home windows.. im just sitting there..

dun worry. i wont end my life the way i want it. i will let god end it. unless it is too unbearable. although.. my means of venting maybe torturous to u.

& fyi, i do care for u. rmb tt time at vietnam?when the police were outside and almost raided the place? we had to leave in groups n somehow, i got seperated frm u. my grp was the first one to reach. not one soul i knew was there. i needed the comfort. how i wish i wasnt the one waiting. waited n waited. all the grps returned. except urs. urs returned 1/2 hour later after the 2nd last grp returned. did u noe how worried n scared i was? at tt foreign land? i didnt experience this before n obviously, i didnt ne the consequences. how would i noe? wat happens if u get caught or meets with an accident? i cant bear. there were alr 2 deaths. i managed to numb one n the other came along.. i was so afraid n worried tt i cried. did u noe? i doubt so. when u were back, u didnt seem to think i'll be worried. or maybe u were still upset bout grandpa.. but did u noe how i felt? the words u told me were to painful to recall. i dont wish to recall.

& yet u say i do not care for u.

i do not noe how to show. but it's not my fault. no one taught me how to. ppl say it's natural to noe how to. but i guess tt's not the case for me.

& maybe ya. im not matured enuff. u said ive changed a lot. of cos. ive been changing, to keep up with the image u expected me to have. but do unoe the more i try, the more i fail. im nvr spoilt for choices. it isnt tt simple. u said u dun regard grades. but deep down within, i noe u do. which parent wont? ? A 10th in level isn’t sufficient for myself. Needless to say, u..

u always compare me to him and the others around me. they are like oh-so-perfect in ur eyes. luckily u didnt noe wat i did. or i think, i'll be trampled under ur feet. wont i? u n dad. ever apared a tot for me? everything's a yes. even blogging's a no to u. wat's this. i think, the more i live with ur expectations, the harder my life gets.

& YA. I CHANGED FOR THE WORSE.

it's too much for me to bear, to understand. how many times i think of u tears just flowed. i may be willful. but im certainly not wat u think i am.

& i confess tt i dunno my family well. so how can they noe me well? when i noe not myself well.

seriously dunno wat to think, wat to say and wat to do.

just drop it, wont u?? im TIRED.

we are all tired. or are u still energetic? i cant take it anymore le la. tell me. wat a home is? to me, bukit batok street 25, block 289F, 09-136 is just a place for sleeping. nothing much. no love, no nothing. it vacant n empty. just a place for lodging, n quarrels with the landlords.

i feel like SAI. literally like a pile of shit, stinking, worthless, forsaken, isolated, left out, thorn in the flesh,... and the list goes on and on.

I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING BUT GOOD.

n in case u noe not, I HATE U, CHIA HUANG HAO. for the misery u have caused me. and for EVERYTHING. PLS, stop ur irritating NONSENCE,

though i noe i may be no better in the eyes of SOME ppl. ppl like u.

GET WELL SOON.

gg to church camp. n im rather sure i'll regret it..

The lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my god, my strength in whom i trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. psalms 18:2

my heart n my flesh faileth: but god is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. psalm 73:26

im suffering, i feel torturous, im about to go crazy. literally. i seem to lose control of myself frequently. i cant help it. when im at the downs.. (which is like almost everyday) i just sit on my bed n the tears will just start flowing. until i start screaming n thrashing about.. until my throat hurts n i got blue blacks. n i start shaking uncontrollably, my mind is at a blank, and almost everytime, i attempt to hurt myself, as if it'll lessen the intensity of the pain burning inside. n i succeed. with cuts n puncture marks at my fingers (mostly) and wrist, it's a surprise nobody notices. n if u ask me why did i do tt, i cannot answer u. as i really dunno. i feel horrible, as if there's a demon inside me. i hate myself, for the foolish things i do. but, i cant help it.
THIS IS TRUE. I DIDNT LIE, NOR DID I EXAGGERATE. SO, PLS READ.

i realise tt i should keep sharp objects(penknife n stuff) in my room.

LORD, make me a great ACTOR.. let me hide my HORRIBLE self.

i DONT feel tt the CHURCH (as a whole) is like a FAMILY..

soon. i'll elaborate. elaborate on why i think the church dun feel like a family.

累垮了。自己的要求是否太高了呢？我不知。

我何时才能好好休息呢？

i spent hours lying on the bed, exhausted both mentally n physically. however, after bout 2 hours plus, im still awake. n tt's like 2am plus.. n theres band tmr. how am i supposed to stay awake tmr in sch then? a full day's practice..

this current blogskin seriously freaks me out but i like it. however, im gonna change it. cos it's too emo. isnt it?

trying so hard to be me. but i cant. i find it weird to see smiling faces on my work, encouraging msgs from me. i find it weird. so weird. n i realise tt im forcing myself to do it at times, just to get the group n everyone else enthu. but wat can i do? im the leader.

set the example, follow. how inperfect can a human be? look at me. im the perfect example.

let my LORD lead the way. i'll win the race, just by following him closely, list'ning intently. but.. can i do tt? is it tt hard?

要为所做的，所说的负责。

PLS DONT LEAVE. AT LEAST NOT NOW. I SENSED THE HINT. I AM NOT STRONG. NEITHER IS MY FOUNDATION. N EVERYTHING JUST WONT BE THE SAME WITHOUT A SIS LIKE U. BUT OF COS, THIS IS NOT IN MY COMMANDS. I HAVE NO SAY IN UR LIFE.

WHY HAVE U STOPPED TOKING TO ME?

I DUNNO Y. BUT COM CRAZY. ONLY CAN TYPE IN CAPS.

shouldnt have started shooting my mouth off before thinking.. maybe one may misunderstand wat i mean.. but tt isin really wat i meant. the way u understand n see it is diff as mine. would everything feel the same? i feel like running away. the right attitude. wat's tt? teach it to me.

they always seem so mighty n so high up. so superior. do i really care tt much? i guess i really do.

i must think twice before i sent a msg the next time. feel like she's offended lidat.. ur cousin. may be calm on the surface. but who noes.. deep within, a storm is brewing. i'll feel super awkward when i next sees her.

did i made the right choice? of telling u this address? things seem weird. till now, no one noes. no one except u. part of me thinks it's alright, part of me thinks it's... who noes.. maybe u are not even reading this..

i feel hurt. beyond expression.


think im like tt.

为何人总是如此贪心？不够好吗？还索沃退步了。。 我。。 真的尽力了。也挺满意的。要感恩。谢谢主耶稣。想想看，其实，也不会说很好阿。

previous post got a lot of wrong words. but no time to change le. so... gonna compartmentalise my life. the bad and unhappy ones hide and put here. the rest put at the other blog.. find tt the lest the person noe of the other side of u, the better it is. so, im trying my best to keep n hide everything n i believe i can. so, get sick n tired of the rubbish here, read the other one.

为何如此虚伪？

i felt my heart waltz along with the soothing music. i never forget the way u caressed my sincere heart. however, i noe things cant always work according to my will. i will learn.. learn to give up.

arg. my phone bill's $52.85 when it's originally $30.25. over by $20.50. 死无葬身之地.the past month.. WOW. colourful. first it's exam(stressed), then go ubin- lose ezlink card($19) n fell down(it costs $9 to fall down). return of results and then posting(stress??) comes my way. now, i spent $300 bucks plus out shoping in an hour(tt's news- 没人发现。心虚。i cant have my card with me... haix.) and then now this. MY WONDERFUL PHONE BILL. NEED TO PAY $50 PLUS(over i pay full thing-活该。) i noe the reason. cos ive been sms-ing him from morning till night. never ending. even in class oso.. so.. my msg over by 400 over. my total msg count is 1455..

烦死了。觉得读到很烦就干脆不要读了。去按那红色的[X]。今天心情真是超烂。可不可以不要用那种语气与我说话？两年过了。与215的缘分到此结束。并不觉得可惜。也不会卷俩此班。反而，我想早点离开这‘人间地狱’。我怎么会变成样，这么讨厌215 呢？这都要多亏志杰（edmund）。是他教我的。想当初，我们的友情，确实比现在好几百倍了。但，我从不怪他。这，是我个人的造化。

saw another watch. $80 plus but i just bought one. i like to spent when im feeling don. gg to edit my post on 14oct.

we are not emo. we are just typical teenagers.

i dun dare. im fearful of the images tt appear when i close my eyes. the thoughts of death. the consequence. it was so real.

at the last few mins of his life, with a frozen smile etched on his face, he breathed 'love with ur heart'. the black eyes found the brown but soon, the brown pair went vacant, sort of empty. tears flowed without permission. it was the guy i like. everything went black and this ended my first dream, followed closely by the second. i felt the intense heat, i could feel the hot air against my sweating skin. everything look livid and on fire. the ppl looked bloodshot and tortured. i ask myself. am i in hell. it looks eternal. i woke up and found myself sweating profusely..

i realised. everything was just a dream. will it happen in reality? everytime i pass by a funeral, i would think-'is the person in hell now or in heaven' (however, if it's a chinese ritual funeral, i noe the ans for sure. and just tt tot tt the person is burning, will freak me out), 'why does the family look sort of... '.... the list goes on. i cant help, but ask myself questions. they may sound silly but they come from deep within.

afraid.

为什么你不是个基督徒？我深深明白自己只能跟一个基督徒交往。我爱到无法自拔。相信彼此，都该学会后退吧。。一个小小的外伤需要几个星期的时间来医治。那么一个碎了的心，富有者内心的折磨，愧疚等于需要多久呢？你来定夺吧。

if any of my teachers ever chance upon tis, i apologise- sorry. n i advise them not to read it. but.. they should bu understanding enough to let me vent my frustrations.

fed up with doing assignments on E-learning. i see no use of it. the teaches are just a bunch of inconsiderate ________(fill in wadeva u want to) . dun they noe tt it's super hard to do maths on 'Hey! maths' ? it's a torture. having to key in symbols after symbols. the squares, square roots, pi and EVERYTHING. their just making their job simple. when we submit, the computer will auto mark for them. but then.. dun they noe tt it takes at the average(my class) of 1h or even more to just complete 1 mensuration worksheet with 5 question? normally, a worksheet like this takes only 15 mins. chop chop, it's done. the onli wonderful point bout it is tt, the teachers can make sure we hand in all our graded assignments during the holidays or, in this case, this 3 days break.

my views on E-learning(negative)
1. parents may not be tt understanding.. (u spent the whole day in front of the computer)
2. it takes up a lot of time.
3. ppl may not have the chinese software to type out a 300 words long compo.
4. it is hard for teenagers to resist the temptations of the computer..
5. hard to align things when doing maths questions.
6. wonderful symbols giving wonderful problems.

my views on e-learning(positive)
1. able to catch up during holidays
2. teacher able to monintor our progress.

tt's about tt. cant blame me on the negative stuff. band takes up a lot of my time. how can i find time to do assignments properly online..(it's graded la.. i have high expectations..) haha..

i shall not complain anymore.. looking at all my e-learning assignments to be completed by tmr.. im gg to faint. every single subject.. maybe i'll pon sch on THURSDAY. (there's the cross-country run tt i hate too..) *hopeful*

爱的定义是什么？真的好痛苦。
期盼你的到来。

42 more days to fuhua military band concert. what will it turn out to be? disaster or a happy ending? will the efforts be paid off? i hope so.

getting back report book on 31st and posting on 3rd. it's either a triple or a double. half of them told me triple, half of them told me double. i made the decision, with the help of god. be it triple or bouble, he will bring me through..

脱掉鲜丽的外壳，剩下的又是什么呢？

did i make the right choice? i hope so. but then.. i should just leave everything to God. place my faith in him.. not onli in this but also in every aspect of life too.

老师对我说：

倩仪，
有时候人的心就像一个无底洞。当我们想尽办法装满它的时候却发生无论我怎么装，我的心还是空的。着时的我们开始生气，开始烦恼。可是，无论我们再怎么折磨自己，无底洞还是无底洞，耗尽了我们的一生，这个洞仍不会满。其实，我们只要换心态，将这个无底洞变成一个温暖的小房间，用心的经营它，我们将会是幸福和美满的。

读了老师所说的，我感受到老师对我的关心等。也了解到，有时候，某些事情是不用行动来表达的。这证明了老师对我的了解，也使我非常感动。但，果真如此吗？试着去尝试，我想应该会有所感触吧。但，我有着耐力与信心吗？


im tired of trying. living on tt shimmering light of hope. n when i fall, into darkness n condemnation. why is there always hope? when there's hope, there's disappointment.. and the things tt accompany. the chances are slim. yet, i reach out for it, knowing well tt i take ages to heal. but wat can be done?

IT, really is impt to me.

你们是否真正接受我呢？我不知道。只知道自己是个非常不完美的青少年。我，禁不起考验，受不起玩笑。表面上，也许还好。但，不知你们内心里是否讨厌我，厌倦我。之间是否有着唇亡齿寒的关系呢？我想应该没有吧。但，我知道，与其他的会友，也许有吧。当我在远远的看着你们，感到非常羡慕。发觉自己好像不是一分子。我，认为因该知难而退。

如今我的胸口，在也没有地方可以淤伤了。淤青的恒迹，可能要好久一段时间都不会消失。请你不要再让我淤伤。心，尖角只有一个吗？那么一直是我胸口刺痛的又是什么？但，伤口始终会复原。这，就是爱的力量。

你们真的在乎我吗？还是表面上而已？毕竟，我们不是很熟。不愿多想。不会觉得我厌烦吗？保持距离是否是最好的选择呢？

pulau ubin. early in the morning gotta wake up with my whole back aching.. then, met uncle eric n go there. for once, im early for like 40 mins. for this 40 mins, he tok to me bout a lot of things.. but all, eventually link to god de.(shh.. tell U something. i dun find uncle eric trustworthy..tt's cos he thinks tt if u have a grudge or something with a person u should tell him/her.. n.. maybe he'll tell it for u. jkjk. but others may find him trustworthy. )

then, havent reach there 就被泼冷水。lost ezlink.. on the bus. -_- reach there, dun feel really well, didnt have much appetite. song feed me something.. AND it was captured on video. wonderful. then, rented bike and stuff. the guys in my group super fast.. cept for gerald n wyekit.. cos they stayed at the back.. then then then.. at the trail there, dunno i look back for wat. n i fell into the rocky hole thing an excruciating pain shot through my leg. n i laughed. but it's super pain la. like tt's not enuff, i fell again.. at the end of the slope. i DIDNT cycle ok? n i wasnt CHASING anyone. think it's accumulated energy. then i dunno do wat. want to press brake and turn. but the bike suddenly jerk. then i flew??? out of it. then the bike landed on me. then my bike went into the triangular thing. and the ppl at the shelther there went wow. (tt's wat daniel told me la.) yeah. i was laughing again. n the 3 guys, once again, joked 'fall until so cham, still can laugh arh. not bad arh.. ' i was like. of cos laugh. or not wat? cry meh? n gerald said, aiya, since raining, u cry oso nobody noe.. yeap.. tt's true.. n i did just tt.

thanks. tt's all i have to say. i realised tt day tt they were all actually warm n caring. instead of wat i usually think they were-冷漠无情， sarcastic. but if tt's e case.. how could they get themselves attached?

really wondered if u were toking bout her.. she seem.. not to have forgotten, the past history.

at the end of the day, i cant help.. but to break down.. at the boat.. i was staring into space n my eyes went misty and tears flowed. everything was drained from me. flash backs of the day.. think of the care n support i yearn to get frm my family.. but i got it. frm the ppl round me. really thankful. from head to toe, everything was screaming in protest. emotionally n physically. when anthea hugged me n song embraced me, i felt worse. everything came out. couldnt bottle it inside anymore. graes n everything. why dont they understand?

however, Realised something through my falls at Pulau Ubin. 1. God answers prayer at his time. 2. God gives more than what we ask for. there was twice when i prayed for god to let me fall, a SIMPLE fall. just a small cut or wat, to allow me to skip physical education and during sec2 camp..(really tot it was a waste of time then .. even until now.) guessed he really answered n gave me more...

不要用那种眼神监视我。

历史会重演吗？ 不想如此。

我，不知所措。考试刚结束了。明天，便会拿回高华卷纸。感到非常担忧。担心害怕考试并不理想是理所当然的。但是，无形中带给自己的压力却逐渐增加。我，非常害怕。我想保持自己的程度，想身上中上高华班，修读三纯科学。但是，能如愿以偿么？年终考试的总成绩，我想像上半年一样，得到第一名，脱颖而出，得到表扬。但，这会是一场梦吗？ 我，能用优异的成绩来慰劳自己吗？

朋友追问成绩的行为将会使我反感。我，非常厌倦，必须面带笑容的答复你们，遮掩我的悲痛。感觉上，我快要崩溃了。这种种，使我了解到上害自己将会使周围的人受到伤害。老实说，我认为自己把这十四年的时间不明不白的消磨掉了。

everything just flashed by. holidays will soon be over. evrything is just a start stop start stop process. after the day, what did u learn? can someone enlighten me?

i dunno what rubbish im posting. my mind's not in the right track ..
fuck YOU MADE ME REALLY ANGRY.

HAIX.sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry
sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry sorrysorry. man. what am i doing?

ive made my stand so CLEAR.i dun like u. wat language do i need to use to make u comprehend? i dun want u to be the cause of dispute between me and my mom. cant u just stop the irritating stuff tt u are doing? i told u upteen times tt i dun need u to report to me wat u are doing. i dun wish to noe. it doesnt concern me. and i certainly need not tell u wat im doing. u were ok for a while. but now u are back to the same thing. do u noe it's affecting me a lot? making me do silly stuff and my grades are floundering. man.. if this continues n i dun maintain my position n standards n expectations watsoever, u are DEFINITELY gg to regret it.whether u go to band or not is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. in fact, where u go is none of my business. it CERTAINLY doesnt mean tt i have to go where u go. take todays band bowling for eg. u ask me if im gg a LOT of times. i told u im not gg a LOT of times too. but then, in the afternoon u suddenly call n ask if im gg. WTF?n u said 'u not gg for bowling arh? i gg leh' i mean.. SO WAT?? u gg then? need to tell me meh? were u expecting me to reply 'huh.. u gg arh? then i go lor .. to pei u.' pls la. fat hope man. the reason y i dun say these things in front of u was to be able to maintain or friendship. but this is like.. another thing. can u for once stop coming to my class? upper sec are nt allowed in the lower sec block and vise versa unless with special permission. surely u noe tt? then y do u keep appearing in my class? do u noe its very irritating n tt ppl think u are trying to attract attention?y so miserable? just stay in ur class. u asked me once y i dun like u/ cannot accept u. the answer is so simple. from a to z, i just dun like u. not hate. it's just a simple dun like. (i dun hate anyone..) -.-

PLEASE. for once, just stop making me feel so inferior, complicated and lousy.

Wednesday CT start again. may the force be with me. man.. got plenty of lectures from ppl of higher authority recently. i got two today. one from my EX EX SL, another from chinese teacher. grrrr.. own them an apology. wonder when i'll say it to them.

sorry? a difficult choice.

decided to sms them. yeap. then wont be so awkward. sorry. will pay more attention n work harder in band/ higher mother tongue lessons. noe im lacking behind expectations becos of my own attitude. so ya, sorry. yeap. tt's wat i'll say. tmr surely kana scolded again by chinese teacher de. sian diao. i will work harder(i hope so too) and prove to u.

action speaks louder than words.

bible study tmr. should i go? i dunno. but i will definitely be present and then later get scolded by my mom.

thoughts? hopes are dashed.

sunday. a day to go to church and praise god. but i didnt feel like waking up today. didnt feel like gg to church. i just want to laze around. not in the mood. but i went eventually and i managed to waste my time through the service. wasnt paying attention. i noe it myself. feel so guilty la. but not putting in any effort to change. oh well.. i dun noe y.. but now i think tt bible study is also very.. i used to make an effort to go down for the bible studies. i still go now. but then.. the feeling n motive feels different. i go for yf now also. but im always late. oso cannot blame me mah. i have class before tt. but i realised tt the more i go, the more sian i become. i seem to pull away from himl; n the right things in life.

is this the right attitude?

yeap. she can scold the F word when she wants to. but i cant. im trying nmy best to curb my vulglarities. but u dun seem to be helping me. u onli noe how to scold n discourage. not encourage. the problems between us is coming back again. or i should say tt i realised tt it has never been away. it has always been there just tt it's concealed at times. with him.. it's worse. just worse. n i dunno how to put it. stop stressing me with work. everything u all dun want to do. LEADER so wat?

im mean.

he like someone. he said he love her. i dun noe wat im thinking now. he said he love her. he love her? ya. tt's what he said. i dun like him le. i will cease to like any guys. i think he hate me la. haix. i find tt he hates me. got the feeling. haix. i wonder why i care so much bout whether he likes me or not. but i really dun want him to hate me. cos i like him. but i shall stopn myself. it's not nicw to like a guy tt likes another girl. but i really like him. since sec1. the first time i see him, i like him. but then.. now i found out tt he like someone else. so foreget it. i shall curb my own feelings and not go out with him anymore.

i really like u. T.T

sorry. i feel so bad. but i dun noe why im making decisions like this. this national day break. four days. i didnt study at all. haix. hate myself for tt. this week exam le. i still treat it like nothing lidat. i dun feel anxious bout my studies at all now. i tried to study but then.. i failed. haix. good results? i think they'll say goodbye to me this term or even next. and ben still said "natalie zhui wo zhe yang jiu zhong yu zhui dao di yi ming liao." i noe for sure he'll work harder to beat me. but im not putting in effort. someone. wake me up from my dream n fantasy. im longwinded.

fever, flu, cough. using this as an excuse not to do work. my grades r dropping like nobody's business. the A1s are becoming Bs or even Cs. the two Bs are becoming Cs or worse still, fail. i was never like this. i cant bear to see my grades continue to drop. i really cant catch up with the hectic schedule. never-ending. i dunno wat to say about myself. pride comes before a fall. i was so happy with my MYEs. first. the glory and honour, striving for my ultimate goal. but now, all the passion is gone. nothing. just an empty shell. someone who feels and have no choice but to admit tt yes, sometimes, i do act like a gangster. my blood is boiling. i shout at them. there is no respect in my dictionary. quarrels after quarrels. tell me. how am i supposed to manage my relationships, studies, feelings and everything at one go? im close to bursting. stress. but who noes it? people around me says u no need to study oso A one la. like real. A. cant even bear to think of the result. thinking of how much effort i have put in. but im wrecking it myself now. i seriously dun understand. ive split myself into too many diff parts.

going mental. IMH.

common test is just 2 weeks away. i dun feel like studying at all. Eng and HMT paper have past. i felt no confidence in scoring. i was not prepared. and now.. the rest. maths class test. think i'll fail. used wrong formular. 8 marks gone. over 20. am i lucky enough to be correct in the rest of the questions? i hate to think. Science Class test. dunno wat to say. lucky class test dun need sign. am i able to score? i dunno. i feel a sudden surge of just not doing anything. just heck care bout EVERYTHING> but i noe i cant. cos of my pride. i want to be the first in the overall exam. but im refusing to work hard. im taking tt it's a must tt i will score well. im crazy. i noe.

jiayou-is it STILL in my dictionary?

i dunno wat i want. but certainly not left alone at the wrong time. really find tt humans are hard to please(inc myself).. man.. wat do they want? i can onli answer a honest dunno. u ask me if im feeling okay. but, will u take no for an answer? ive told u upteen times im not. but im nvr rendered a choice. i'll be lying if i say yes. if u ask me wat happen, pigs could fly. can u just show more concern? but nvm. i must learn contentment.

love.

yeah. losing myself control like nobody's business. i hate it. realised tt i hate a lot of things tt im doing now. i felt the sudden urge to d something tt day. luckily i didnt. dunno y. everytime im angry i'll be tempted to do something tt i previously did a few years back. i regretted. i stopped. but now.. the feeling to do it is coming back..

get a grip!

i dunnno how may times im rejected. even when i tried it the first time. i was rejected, case closed. but the feeling of rejection is not exactly fantastic. i mean they just tell u 'no'. it kills all your confidence la. im trying not to give up hope.

god, give me strength and to not fear rejection.

dunno wat's gotten into me this days.. feel so short-tempered la. hate myself lidat. went home, waited for asher, xinhui and eugene to come for tution. then i went down for bball spree. vent all my stress and frustrations. but now.. my back hurting like crazy.. wadeva. if i feel pain means im not numb yet. and tt's a wonderful sign! down with flu and cough. oh ya. cut my index finger today.. i myself dunno whether it's on purpose or not. haix.. WAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME MAN..

i seriously dunno how to account for wat im doing presently.

everything just feel so empty and hollow.life is so 'great' . cant imagine how 'happy' i am. spare me the sarcasm. pls. so, EDMUND LEE. it took u long enough to realise tt its not helping me at all right? im really sorry if i made u disappointed. but man. u chose the wrong path; both physically or spiritually. havent u hurt me enough? or u are still not done with me yet? i tell u, if u have not forsaken me and let me stray, thinking tt u are influencing me, then i wont have been like this now. but im not blaming u. it's my own fault. i cant change. i tried to prove it to u. but i just cant. sometimes, i really hate u. the misery u put me through. feel like hurting myself, just to spite the ppl around me.noe it's foolish but i cant help it. im gg mental.

foolishness. tt's me.

Stop giving me lobsters can or not? I told myself not to use vulglarities here. So, I will not. But please la. Everytime u angry, u say the same old thing. The vulglarities u use is oso exactly the same. So old fashioned. Be more modern can or not? Please. If u were not my father, I would have hurled back abouse at u la. But u are. N I cant change this fact no matter how mush I hate u. so please. U dun like me, I dun like u too. Dun think u are so popular still say wat we (my brother and i) are thick skinned to live in ur house. Pls. like we want lidat. The environment u provide for us is hell. Wat? Thinck-skinned? Then in the first place why have us? I really hate the thought tt u are somewhat related to me. I feel ashamed.

someone, pls counsel me. Im gg crazy at the thought tt he is my father.

dunno why but just dun feel like me this days. feel simply terrible.. haix. lobsters. but nvm. the lord is with me. but sometimes i still really dun feel him there. i must get closer to him, our relationship must be stronger, yeah.

trust.

3 months plus.. why cant i forget? i mean.. we've been toking to each other on n off, on n off. the three of them. 2 man 1 lady. haha. now i realised something. i got closer to the guy tt i have always wanted to tok to in sec 1. but now, the guy tt i have baan toking to since sec 1. is like ignoring me la. not ignore. but like.. refusing to help me stand. he left me to climb up alone after the painful fall. he forsaked me, thinkin it was the best choice, but he was wrong. totally wrong. he tot tt that could make me more indepentdant and less dependabt on him n SOME others around me. but im still crawling. Claudia says i look weaker and weaker each day, both physically and emotionally. she saw. everything. cos i told her. i may be laughing, playing, smiling. but deep within, if u look closely, look into my eyes and by chance may see the tears forcefully controlled. the fire within me has dimmed. im dont tok as much as i do. cos there is no one. hence, when i get the chance, i need to let everything out. do u noe how many times i cried after each conversation? after ach time i let the steam out? i cried to myself resentfully everyday, thinking why i am lidat. i really hate it and when i read his words, of how he loved and died for me, i cant help but cry again. his sciptures. he had always been there. it was me tt's too foolish, not wanting to find him. but i dunno. i want to complete my work here; on this earth. i want to reach out to souls, bring them to this heavenly father tt cared so much for me.

lord, take control of me. help me. please.

i walked to far.. i loitered away. sorry.

hard to keep this blog living.. feeling and knowing is different. after u noe u must put it into action. then will ppl see/noe.do u think i like to quarrel with u constanly? im oso human leh. not robot. u must give me time to rest. not once i reach home do this do that, in a wonderfully 'sweet' voice. i have really did my best to change, and improve the relationship with u ppl. but.. there's still this gap between us. i admit tt one of u is oso working as hard as i am, to meet up with the requirements of each other. it takes two hands to clap. but the other one isint cooperating. but let us just forgive n forget. no use raking up the past. its useless and it wont improve things..

let bygones be bygones.

but sometimes.. i just come help but wonder. do u really care for me? u rather go out then bringme to the doctor... forget it. i shall pray. be PRAYERFUL. forget who say de. but ya. it will help.

love, forgive, forget, tolerate.

uncle harvey asked if i want to be attached to a tacher and observe how to teach.. for around a year thn later to learn to teach.. he said he was hoping i could do it in sec four or after. but.. im just starting to learn how to teach the kids to sing. dun scare me away!! but no la. this kind of things.. pray first then say.. let me settle my problems, get things right with god.. and then i'll consider. it's all in his plan. so there's no need to rush. :) once again.. it prayers are needed. haha.

prayerful.

now i think tt grades is not as more achievable than self-control.. but god will lead n guide me. if i can achieve self control with the help of god, i can surely accomplish and achieve other RIGHT things.

Self-control.

ha.. stop acting like u guys noe me can? i really hate it- all the stuff.. it's so crab n lobster. why do u all make me feel so full of hatred. when i go with u all, u say i dull, nvr smile. when i nvr tok to u all, u say i angry w u. pls la. then wat dou expect me to do? be like a puppet n smile/laugh when u tell me to do tt? ask urself. u are subconciously over-riding my feelings. u dun allow me to feel sad. u want me to laugh when i feel terrible. do u noe how tiring n painful this is? to force a smile everytime u want me to? im just lidat, with this wierd behaviour n attitude. then u think urs very good meh? forget it. think wat u want. it's not my problem. do u think i like the way im carrying myself? no. u are wrong. i hate it too. but wat can i do? so pls stop wat u are currently doing.

attitude.

it has been two months plus. we didnt tok; i didnt confide. he left; i cried. but.. did he even care? i think not. it is impossible now to go back to my sec1 life where i dun feel tt fed-up. be it with emotions or friends. but now.. with more friends, more problem. the moment u break away, they will talk behind u. so is this really friends? who noes? im tired.

alone; my destiny.

My history thought me that the company of others would only bring pain and rejection. i have decided to isolate myself from the class and thus, i created this blog after the camp. im sick n tired of the views of others about me and the way i hold myself. i just cant be natural with them. as each chaptor passes, i decided that it was best to play the dumb, deaf and blind. being alone is still better than being hurt. i shall be what i am like during the first few months of sec1. befopre i totally changed my perspective, attitude and views of things. i have decided. i will feel better. afterall, im used to it alr.but being lidat means i have to work doubly hard as i cant rely on friends that dont seemed friends. i wont put in anymore effort to continue the weak relationship/friendship between us all. im just that anti-social. cos u ppl want me to laugh, smile, cry as and when u like it and not as in i like it. it's as if u are running my life. i have decided, to let God lead me as I run MY OWN life.

isolation. tears of misery.